This is a post that will touch everyone’s heart, that will call upon us to practice, that will teach us lessons and will tell us of life, how it can be lived, our personal wars, our victories and losses, our vision not only towards our love ones but towards everyone.
The collaboration comes from author PADMA WANGMO, to whom we extend our deepest thank you for such beautiful words.
Not too long ago, a week or so, I was invited to write about my experiences in this place I so much love [the Odsal Ling]. I was not supposed to talk about anything of what is herein but henceforth you will certainly understand why I was not able to think about anything else.
In a Sabrina-Magazine-style, which we all have a bit of it hidden within each and every one of us, I am going to tell you how this story unfolds. I am telling this story for as it concerns me, it is such ridiculous story that I decided to go deeper and further within myself, so that I could try to understand it, and surprisingly enough I ended up finding it out to be such a wonderful experience.
It’s a love story, a story of relationships, you know.
It is those types of things that when we do have the inclination to follow a spiritual path, or an intellectual one, for that matter, we sort of despise them, I mean those types of things…
It goes like that:
We met each other in a Druptchen, we dated for a year at distance; we lived together for three years and it was terrible! The relationship was a total downer, zero romance, and no patience at all, we did not communicate with each other and we were dwindling… both of us. On one hand, we were depressed, on the other we were oppressed by our tiresome groove, the time went by and the marriage was over. We both were moving out of the relationship slowly, we were worn out, and in the beginning of the year he finally left the house. I was relived; full of hope but at the same time with some sort of indignation, for he had made his decision without consulting me. But we moved on and along well; each one living in separate houses; sometimes that bit of sadness creeps in, every now and then I see in him sorrow and grief. In theory we were able to overcome all of that, life went on, and as if in a country-dance, peers were exchanged.
Less than a month ago, I began to feel something missing, a weird feeling but quite alive. I dreamed of him. I remembered places we’ve been together with so much love; I wish he had been there with me. I was travelling. And during these days he wrote to me – “I am counting the days for you to come back”. What? Come back from where, where to, to whom? We no longer have anything between us! And what about your girlfriend?????
This feeling of missing (I call it “saudade”), this living thing, it became to me an alien. A jelly, corrosive, green feeling that displaces me from wherever I am. I simply was unable to keep my mind on and to the present. The mind flew into the space and time; it flew to a person who lives in my imagination.
But we are greater than that, are we not? I relax my mind and I am able to come back to the present. But there was that pip again.
I came back home, and don’t really know why, there he was waiting for me at the airport, his arms wide open… Those arms to which so much indifference I had given felt like the best place in the whole white world for me to be.
But that was it. He was missing his friend. Nothing more, nothing further, no romance, no love.
Nonetheless, we would go out together, have dinner together, and after some days had passed by I was giving myself a certificate of slushiness cum laude: I was in love for that man. The same man in such way, as I had never felt before. That teen love again, oh no, help! That was such an achievement! I have so much important things to do, imagine if I have the time for this type of stuff. And for a person I know so well and…whom I know is not worth it. It didn’t work once already; and backwards walking is for crabs, so to speak. What comes to me all the time is: “tame your mind”, don’t think of him, and don’t wait for anything. Move out of this!!! But I wasn’t doing it. I needed to get out of that situation! Between my practice, Bach floral and whisky, the whole thing did not seem to be moving along well. And worse, I was each and every day more in love!!!
I thought of all those passionate crimes, which we hear about in the news, and in all those women, who find themselves within a rejection pattern. I thought about it and with such unbearable pain of being alone, noting that this subject matter is a taboo within us. Only us allow the knit with our girl friends about our love conquers or when the guy is a crook. But what about when everything goes on at one side only, single sided? And when there is nothing there but everything everywhere?
I knew it was a dream, a nightmare. But knowing it, it wasn’t waking me up!!!
I then decided to take off the pan’s lid and really look into what was in there. And as much and more I tightened up the hist rack, the torniquet on my mind – and after several years as a student of Lama Tsering, we do know how to do this – more and more some thing was taking over me… which had never presented itself before. And then I began seeing the little face of this monster that lives within myself, a monster that has always been there but which I had never poked with such short stick, so to speak.
The result seemed quite fanny: in a moment I was in peace, in another I was quite hysterical; in one email, I give him thumbs up to go on and travel by himself but moments thereafter I would find myself calling in and telling him that I was coming along too; He had my support to go out with other people and soon I would find myself jealous…My phone had never been so close to me and yet so painfully quiet.
Each romantic message sent out and I saw myself trying to exercise control over the situation. At each sound of silence, I heard the roar of the clinging. If I would go to his house bringing groceries from the market, I could see myself waiting for some sort of reward. At each Friday night he would rather go out with other people, I felt an incendiary rage. And at every dawn in which I found myself alone in bad, I would be weeping (yes, we got indeed to this point) and I saw fear. Well, I should be really afraid of having learned nothing of what I was taught all these years, should I not?
In such a chaotic environment I tried to climb on a little hill of my mind and try to view the situation from a distance. And then I saw it crystal clear: the battle between the self and the self.
Aha! All came to sense! You will find one person doing dishes at the Odsal Ling from time to time, and you will also find the other one being a controller, and possessive, spoiled, cheap person…
And seeing all of this, the passion was no longer ridiculous for me but it became an incredible tool to exercise my practice.
I need to hold the reins short and sit tight; and remember that no one is here to suffer and that love is to see your loved one fully happy, entirely happy and complete, be it with me or with somebody else, if that is the case. And further that this feeling need not to end in that man with that particular ID number but that it can spread out like a breeze of wind.
I learned that love is something that happens and exists in my mind and that I can indeed decide what to do with it.
If that feeling was then an alien, this one now is a cloud lightly pinkish.
It is somewhat scary too, for as the desire grows, this alien – the unconditional and complete love – can grow the cloud as well and it can transform it in a gigantic one!
I am dearly and really thankful to him for becoming the environment, within which I was allowed to change, and I have an immense compassion for all of those whose feelings are of such degree of intensity and whose voices for their lovers are never to be shouted across the seven winds.
And worse: to not have been able to publish such in a web blog, on the Internet, where so many people can read it!
(*) Note from the Editor: This is a free English translation prepared alone by Marcelo Thiollier, one of the editors of the Blogsattva, of the post “Derretendo Alien”. Neither the Author of the post nor the remaining Blogsattva’s editors can in any way be held accountable for any errors contained herein. If the meaning of any of the English content contained in this post may alter the meaning of the original Portuguese manuscript of the post, the latter should be consulted and reviewed in order to obtain the direct meaning of the text.